Note to self: dead animals do not belong in my sporting equipment

Not even for charity.



I can't believe I am mentioning Damien Hirst in this blog again, but I can't ignore the cross-over hilariousness of this newest crime against artistic dignity. Why does he persist in doing such ridiculous things?? Well, at least this time he has a partner in ridiculousness- none other than Lance Armstrong. And for a bonus layer of self-aggrandizing mutual fellatio perpetrated by charity-minded celebrities, creation of the bike was requested by Bono. LOL.


The bike above was a creation that Hirst('s assistants) decorated with hundreds of dismembered dead butterflies. Armstrong is set to ride the HirstyBike down the Champs in 2009 Tour de France finale. Sigh.

The really funny thing is that Armstrong has apparently been doing this for years! Usually with artists of a very particular ilk: the immensely rich, carefully-constructed and marketed "bad boys" and enfant terribles of the contemporary art world. This year steps up the mutual-admiration society due to STAGES, a charity "global art exhibition" put on by Armstrong, Nike and the aforementioned enfant terribles. He's riding like 6 art bikes this year! Why is everything ostentatious, egomaniacal or self-serving this man does associated with cancer charity? It makes him much harder to mock. And yet, I persevere...



The media-circusy nature of the two principals involved in this endeavor was today compounded by the near-hysterical reaction of the professionally histrionic, PETA. Reps from the animal rights org further inflated Hirst's sense of relevance by lambasting him in the DDaily Mail. Of course, they cannot attack CancerSurvivorAthleteCharityMan (for those outside the world of bike racing, its like attacked God), so we are treated to rhetorical gems like this one:

"Lance Armstrong is all about life - about not dying and about overcoming adversity.

'Damien Hirst is a one-trick pony who ruins the very essence of this man's spirit by associating him with dead butterflies.

I also particularly enjoyed this poetic number:

'Butterflies are beautiful creatures who should be enjoyed in the wild, not encased in a bike.'

"Encased in a bike." Priceless.



Below are some images of Lance's past patronage of the arts.


Artist: legally-embattled possible plagiarist Shep Fairey, ridden (and crashed on?) 2009 Giro d'Italia



Artist: Shep Fairey again, ridden 2009 TdF


Artist: 80s pop artist Kenny Scharf, ridden 2009 Giro d'Italia TT


Arist: bizarrely psuedonymned KAWS, darling of the "global art toy-collecting community," ridden 2009 Milan San Remo


Artist: Marc Newson, designer of furniture for the insanely wealthy, ridden 2009 TdF prologue TT


Artist: Graffiti artist Barry McGee, ostensibly ridden 2009 Tour of California. Since its a fucking hybrid bike, I don't know what part of that race he would have used it for. Maybe he rode it from the Astana bus to the sign-in tent.

Lastly, and my personal favorite:


Artist: Yoshitomo Nara, ridden yesterday in the 2009 Tdf TT.

I don't have anything snide to say about this one. I like Yoshitomo Nara's work, and when I met him while interning at the Philly ICA, he seemed like a really nice guy. I wish he would design a bike for me. I'll donate it to charity after I beat it to hell, I swear.


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When Bad Economic Crises Happen to Good Con Artists

Hey, you heard? There's a global recession on. And let me tell you, the multi-million dollar world of multi-millionaire pretend artists hasn't escaped unscathed.




Blahblahblah auction house art revenues down blahblahblah. Duh. Old, obvious news. What tickles me is that McArtist with Cheese, Damien Hirst, is laying off the people that actually make his art!

Full Disclosure: I used to like Damien Hirst. Well, "like" is a strong word. Let's say intrigued by. I can honestly say that this is entirely due to the work that introduced me to him in the 90s: The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living.



Say what you will about the guy, that makes for a pretty striking installation. Its a shark. In a box. And who doesn't love a gallery plaque that that says "Materials: tiger shark, steel, 5% formaldehyde solution." But unfortunately, after seeing the piece I looked into the artist and found he is the biggest fake since Jeff Koons.

Hirst is the Paris Hilton of the art world- all branding and publicity. He's got nothing to say about anything. But jeez, at least Paris actually appears on her own reality shows or whatever- Hirst doesn't even create his own art. He has a Warhol-style "factory" (he can't even be original in his fakery) and says that he employs people to make his art because "I can't be fucking arsed to do it." Blech. Plenty of artists have employed assistants through the ages, but come on. He could at least pay them a living wage. Or, yknow, not fire them the moment the economic going gets tough. I mean, every piece he makes goes for over a million dollars! And frankly, I think his whole strategy has been to appeal to the recession-proof type motherfuckers of the world so he can't be in that much trouble. But you need to have art in order to sell it. Who's going to produce for you now, buddy? I mean, really, if you really can't afford the grad-studenty pay scale of your assistants, what are you going to do instead? Offshore? I can see it now: rows of shoeless Chinese children gluing diamond after diamond on a procession of human skulls...

And what of the unemployed underlings? I think they should all band together and make a show of Hirstian knockoffs. Its the same hands making the same art(or close enough to the same...gotta avoid copyright infringement), so there's probably a market, especially if you highlight the pedigree. Hell, there's more of a market. Hirst priced himself out of a good chunk of the market long ago, and now his boat is getting even smaller. Not small enough for it to sink, but definitely small enough to let some other boats in on the action. And its not like he can really lower his prices without damaging his whole "aesthetic" (read: aspirational brand-image).

So get in there, underlings! Cut his legs out from under him. I want to see an Ikea full of pickled shark coffee tables.

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