Note to self: dead animals do not belong in my sporting equipment

Not even for charity.



I can't believe I am mentioning Damien Hirst in this blog again, but I can't ignore the cross-over hilariousness of this newest crime against artistic dignity. Why does he persist in doing such ridiculous things?? Well, at least this time he has a partner in ridiculousness- none other than Lance Armstrong. And for a bonus layer of self-aggrandizing mutual fellatio perpetrated by charity-minded celebrities, creation of the bike was requested by Bono. LOL.


The bike above was a creation that Hirst('s assistants) decorated with hundreds of dismembered dead butterflies. Armstrong is set to ride the HirstyBike down the Champs in 2009 Tour de France finale. Sigh.

The really funny thing is that Armstrong has apparently been doing this for years! Usually with artists of a very particular ilk: the immensely rich, carefully-constructed and marketed "bad boys" and enfant terribles of the contemporary art world. This year steps up the mutual-admiration society due to STAGES, a charity "global art exhibition" put on by Armstrong, Nike and the aforementioned enfant terribles. He's riding like 6 art bikes this year! Why is everything ostentatious, egomaniacal or self-serving this man does associated with cancer charity? It makes him much harder to mock. And yet, I persevere...



The media-circusy nature of the two principals involved in this endeavor was today compounded by the near-hysterical reaction of the professionally histrionic, PETA. Reps from the animal rights org further inflated Hirst's sense of relevance by lambasting him in the DDaily Mail. Of course, they cannot attack CancerSurvivorAthleteCharityMan (for those outside the world of bike racing, its like attacked God), so we are treated to rhetorical gems like this one:

"Lance Armstrong is all about life - about not dying and about overcoming adversity.

'Damien Hirst is a one-trick pony who ruins the very essence of this man's spirit by associating him with dead butterflies.

I also particularly enjoyed this poetic number:

'Butterflies are beautiful creatures who should be enjoyed in the wild, not encased in a bike.'

"Encased in a bike." Priceless.



Below are some images of Lance's past patronage of the arts.


Artist: legally-embattled possible plagiarist Shep Fairey, ridden (and crashed on?) 2009 Giro d'Italia



Artist: Shep Fairey again, ridden 2009 TdF


Artist: 80s pop artist Kenny Scharf, ridden 2009 Giro d'Italia TT


Arist: bizarrely psuedonymned KAWS, darling of the "global art toy-collecting community," ridden 2009 Milan San Remo


Artist: Marc Newson, designer of furniture for the insanely wealthy, ridden 2009 TdF prologue TT


Artist: Graffiti artist Barry McGee, ostensibly ridden 2009 Tour of California. Since its a fucking hybrid bike, I don't know what part of that race he would have used it for. Maybe he rode it from the Astana bus to the sign-in tent.

Lastly, and my personal favorite:


Artist: Yoshitomo Nara, ridden yesterday in the 2009 Tdf TT.

I don't have anything snide to say about this one. I like Yoshitomo Nara's work, and when I met him while interning at the Philly ICA, he seemed like a really nice guy. I wish he would design a bike for me. I'll donate it to charity after I beat it to hell, I swear.


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Holiday Odyssey, Part One

Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story
of that (wo)man skilled in all ways of contending,
the wanderer, harried for years on end,
after (s)he plundered the stronghold
on the proud height of Troy Delta Airlines.


Yeah, yeah. It's hyperbole until you're the one spending the night in the Atlanta Airport Best Western East with bonus food poisoning courtesy of Juanito's "Mexican" "Grill" (or possibly IHOP).


Freezing rain in Philly...


Led to 1.5 hr de-icing...

(with some seriously noxious looking chemicals, including a gelatinous green liquid that came right out of TMNT...I could see the drain they all went down. Wonder how many three-eyed simpsons-esque fish live down there?)

Led to a missed connection to NM in Atlanta and the aforementioned Best Western.

The best part was when they put us into a customer service line hundreds of people long and after waiting for nearly an hour we got close enough to see that it only led to a phone bank and one (one!) Delta rep. Nice!

Darco's Mom was shocked shocked! that they weren't going to pay for our hotel room. We tried to tell her unless the airline itself (not the weather, not air traffic control) mucks up- like only if the engine falls off your plane while you're taxiing or the pilot kicks your puppy or something-will they pay for your hotel room. And with the amount of people travelling before x-mas (and their total lack of alternatives), maybe not even then.

As one might guess, the industrial area around the Atlanta Airport Best Western East does not present much diversion. We did pass a decomissioned Ford factory that was half torn down, and I would have LOVED to go shoot photos there, but it was pretty well guarded. Other than that, there's the TV, IHOP and (brrr) Juanito's. The evening passed slowly, but I felt the worst for Darco's son (at least until my digestive system revolted) as he was stuck with Darco's mum who decided that she HAD to spend all day and night watching Fox News. At one point he burst into our room, moaned "Mike Huckabee has been on TV talking for TWO HOURS" and then turned around and walked sadly back to his (admittedly unbearable) torture.

Anyway. Atlanta led to Chicago (where the temp was 18 below!)...


Led to Salt Lake (where we just snuck in ahead of a snow storm), led (finally) to Albuquerque. And then the hour+ drive to Santa Fe (in a fucking ridiculous rented Dodge SUV that was humongous and didn't even have four-wheel drive), where we enjoyed the local law enforcement!



"Super Blitz" is pretty damn accurate- they stopped every car on the highway. Our cop even commented on Darco's perpetually red eyes. He bought the story that Darco is part albino rat, however, so we went on our way unmolested. No walking lines or backwards alphabets or anything.

Icing on the cake, we ascended the Santa Fe plateau in a blinding blizzard that would dump about 2' of snow over the next 12 hours. But we finally made it to Darco's sister's beatiful house nestled in the hills at the tail end of the rockies. And it was good.

Ah, but the Odyssey is not over (although it is a hell of a lot better from here on out, rough return journey notwithstanding). Part two soon!
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It's a fucking valuable thing!

Offered nothing but appreciation?!



Blago is so out there it sounds like he's aiming for an insanity defense. READ MORE! READ MORE!

"Welcome to my hanging"

Just regular old Bushy unfortunate word choice or intentional (though weird) joke? I really hope its the former, cause I hate it when people I loathe display self-awareness. Takes all the fun out of mocking them.



Well, most of the fun.


Anyway, /cheer that Bush defiled my city for (hopefully) the last time. He joined us for the Army/Navy game (meh...at least it wasn't the Eagles) and then to the Union League to see the unveiling of the above portrait.

The Union League is like a trojan horse of Republicanism in the heart of our staunchly Democratic burg. It occupies a really beautiful building smack in the middle of our Avenue of the Arts and I'm pretty sure that no one who actually lives in Philadelphia ever enters it. Founded in 1862 to support the policies of Pres Lincoln, the club has now basically become a place for rich white men to fellate other rich white men that have been elected to public office. And such it was with Bush's visit!

Bush was added to the League's famous collection of presidential portraits. To the wonder of exactly no one, the collection includes only one democrat (Jackson) and all but two repubs (Harrison and Harding). Bush is the first since Hoover to be included on the wall 'o fame while still in office. He also recieved the League's "gold medal", which has been bestowed on only 37 people since 1862. Incidentally, Bush's Asshole Triumverate, Cheney, Rummy and Ridgey, have all received it too! Quelle suprise, no?

But really, Union League, who are you trying to fool? This ceremonial nonsense just reads as desperation from where I'm sitting. Showering honors on him as though he wasn't the worst pres EVER won't make his legacy any more impressive.


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When Bad Economic Crises Happen to Good Con Artists

Hey, you heard? There's a global recession on. And let me tell you, the multi-million dollar world of multi-millionaire pretend artists hasn't escaped unscathed.




Blahblahblah auction house art revenues down blahblahblah. Duh. Old, obvious news. What tickles me is that McArtist with Cheese, Damien Hirst, is laying off the people that actually make his art!

Full Disclosure: I used to like Damien Hirst. Well, "like" is a strong word. Let's say intrigued by. I can honestly say that this is entirely due to the work that introduced me to him in the 90s: The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living.



Say what you will about the guy, that makes for a pretty striking installation. Its a shark. In a box. And who doesn't love a gallery plaque that that says "Materials: tiger shark, steel, 5% formaldehyde solution." But unfortunately, after seeing the piece I looked into the artist and found he is the biggest fake since Jeff Koons.

Hirst is the Paris Hilton of the art world- all branding and publicity. He's got nothing to say about anything. But jeez, at least Paris actually appears on her own reality shows or whatever- Hirst doesn't even create his own art. He has a Warhol-style "factory" (he can't even be original in his fakery) and says that he employs people to make his art because "I can't be fucking arsed to do it." Blech. Plenty of artists have employed assistants through the ages, but come on. He could at least pay them a living wage. Or, yknow, not fire them the moment the economic going gets tough. I mean, every piece he makes goes for over a million dollars! And frankly, I think his whole strategy has been to appeal to the recession-proof type motherfuckers of the world so he can't be in that much trouble. But you need to have art in order to sell it. Who's going to produce for you now, buddy? I mean, really, if you really can't afford the grad-studenty pay scale of your assistants, what are you going to do instead? Offshore? I can see it now: rows of shoeless Chinese children gluing diamond after diamond on a procession of human skulls...

And what of the unemployed underlings? I think they should all band together and make a show of Hirstian knockoffs. Its the same hands making the same art(or close enough to the same...gotta avoid copyright infringement), so there's probably a market, especially if you highlight the pedigree. Hell, there's more of a market. Hirst priced himself out of a good chunk of the market long ago, and now his boat is getting even smaller. Not small enough for it to sink, but definitely small enough to let some other boats in on the action. And its not like he can really lower his prices without damaging his whole "aesthetic" (read: aspirational brand-image).

So get in there, underlings! Cut his legs out from under him. I want to see an Ikea full of pickled shark coffee tables.

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Violent Loophole Left Open by Smug Bastard

This week, Professional Asshole Antonin Scalia, decided that the "letter of the law" trumps a woman's right not to get murdered. Here's a delicious little exchange from the recent hearing of US vs Hayes (thanks to Jezebel for the quotes):

JUSTICE SCALIA: And this was misdemeanor assault and battery, wasn't it?

ASSISTANT SOLICITER GENERAL NICOLE SAHARSKY: Yes, that's right. I mean, I really -

SCALIA: So it's not that serious an offense. That's why we call it a misdemeanor.

SAHARSKY: Well, I mean, certainly the offense is this particular case was serious. The charging document reflects that Respondent hit his wife all around the face until it swelled out, kicked her all around her body, kicked here in the ribs-

SCALIA: Then he should have been charged with a felony, but he wasn't. He was charged with a misdemeanor.

JUSTICE GINSBURG: Wasn't the — wasn't the statute responding to just that problem, that domestic abuse tended to be charged as misdemeanors rather than felonies? And it was that fact that the Senator was responding to when he included misdemeanor. The whole purpose of this was to make a misdemeanor battery count for the statute's purpose.

I can appreciate his commitment (from a legal standpoint) to the explicit text of the law, but...

...this smug dismissal: "People are governed by the law that is passed, not by the law that Congress intended to pass" makes me grind my teeth. The statute they are referring to is a 1996 effort to close a loophole which allowed those convicted of a misdemeanor domestic violence charge to retain their gun rights (hence Justice Ginsburg's argument). But unfortuntely, this law opened up a NEW loophole which meant that those charged with domestic violence now plead into misdemeanor assualt & battery "in the home," which Hayes, the state of Virginia, Scalia and thousands of other abusers argue does not fall under the 1996 statute. FUCK THAT SHIT. The intent of the law is crystal clear: domestic abusers should not have access to guns. That creates a time bomb of a situation that vastly increases the odds of domestic homicide.

Honestly, I'm seeing ulterior motives behind the arguments of Scalia et al. To me it looks suspiciously like things are being viewed through the lens of the Second Amendment, which is almost completely irrelevant- the case is based on the reading of the '96 statute. People are so paranoid over gun rights that the terror of infringing on them trumps a woman's right to a life without fear of...yknow, murder. More "women's health" from the right wing. I see derisive air quotes in almost every sentence Scalia utters.

Time to be thankful AGAIN for Obama's victory. I can't even imagine a McCain appointed Supreme Court.


AND NOW, SOME (REALLY, REALLY NOT) FUN FACTS:


-Of females killed with a firearm, almost two thirds were killed by their intimate partners.

-Access to firearms increases the risk of intimate partner homicide more than five times more
than in instances where there are no weapons, according to a recent study. In addition, abusers
who possess guns tend to inflict the most severe abuse on their partners.

-A study of women physically abused by current or former intimate partners found a five-fold
increased risk of the partner murdering the woman when the partner owned a gun.

-Domestic violence misdemeanor convictions and restraining orders were the second most
common reason for denials of handgun purchase applications between 1994 and 1998.

And one unisex reason this loophole needs to be closed:

-About 14% "of all police officer deaths occur during a response to domestic violence calls.

(statistics from www.endabuse.org)

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